Catherine, the True Story

"Would you like to review techniques?"

Huh? Oh, that sheep's still looking at me. I wonder how well it would survive if I knocked its glasses away...Oh wait, the prick's still expecting an answer--

"Uhh, no sorry, gotta run. Good luck to you guys!"

Damn, this climbing is getting really tenuous, and everyone around here just mopes and complains about how their life sucks. There should be at least one of these fluffy morons that knows a decent technique. If I keep asking around and listening to their blather, I might find at least one jackass with an ego smaller than the size of this god-forsaken tower...Jesus, I hate this place.

"Uh, hey there! Mind sharing some techniques so we could both get out of this?"

"News flash! Fuuuuuuuuuuuck you! I need to do what I can to survive this!"

...the FUCK? Did that son of a bitch just talk back to me?!

"Look, I can understand--"

"No, idiot! I don't want to talk to you! If you get in my way, I'll push you too!"

...Hm. Well nobody's looking and he IS awfully close to the--*shove*

"I'M FAAAAALLIIIIING!"

Now to put up the act.

"Oh no! I was just talking to that guy and he freaked out and stepped off the edge! Saying something about sheep monsters...Shit...Shit! Why does this kind of crazy stuff have to happen to all of us!?"

Looks like these pricks bought it. Look at them cower back and shiver as they truly realize that I have the power to END THEM...or that they could fall, whatev--OH FUCK that guy might have actually given me a technique if I just threatened him first...damn. Well, this fat one over here shouldn't be too hard to extort. Though the child molester gleam of his eyes kinda throws me off...

"Hi there!"

"Hi, would you like to buy something?"

"Huh?"

"Well, you know those Enigma coins that you've been picking up? I figure that if I gather enough and--"

Holy shit, who cares.

"--like to purchase something?"

"Oh uh, no I'm good. Thanks though."

"Hey, you're not allowed to just window shop, Fro-man!"

"...huh?"

"Oh, erm, I mean thank you, come again!"

...Hm.

"Actually, on second thought, I think I'll buy that white block you've got there."

"Very well! Thank you for the purchase!"

"Yeah, actually there's something about the coins I figured out on the way up. You seem like a business-minded sort of guy so there's a deal I'd like to discuss with you, but I don't want anyone else to listen in on this..."

And now there's a bit of drool on that guy's lip. If this one hasn't been in prison yet, I hope to God he gets ass-pummeled in Hell. Now let's get everyone out of here.

"Oh god, I just saw some of the blocks under the Landing falling out! We're all gonna die! Get the hell out of here everyone!"

I watch as the group of incompetents pile into the confessional and rocket unsteadily into the inky heights. Turning back to that fat excuse of a salesman quivering with excitement, I hear him jingle-jangle with the weight of his purse and what seems to be a Thanksgiving dinner stuffed into his fluff.

"Alright, so what's this you said about the coins?"

"There's something about the design on the front. See, if I put it here on the ground directly in the light, you might be able to notice it."

As the bastard bent down, I slowly stood up and edged myself closer.

"I don't see it..."

"Oh don't worry, you'll--ALRIGHT!"

Why. WHY do I HAVE to cheer myself on everytime I call forth an item.

I summoned the white block right above him and watched as it splooshed his innards all across the floor in a slimy, brown mess. Kinda like the gravy that he had kept with his...turkey? I can't even tell what that fucker was holding onto.

As I turned towards the confessional to answer my question and hurry the fuck upwards, I noticed a face-down sheep who had escaped my attention and was now frozen with fear.

"Hey...You saw that."

Despite my direct address, the sheep only rattled on the ground and muttered to himself about how it was me again and how he needed to ignore me. This one probably won't be a threat...but juuuuust in case.

"Hey, no worries man. That guy was planning to kill me and I just got to him before he got to me. As long as you don't say anything to the others, we're cool. Capisce?"

"..."

...Hm. Well, whatever, I'll just grab the rest of what that rapist had stocked up and be on my way.

As I entered the confessional, I made sure to summon an immovable dark block in front of the confessional. Let's see that cunt ignore that!

Over the panicked, yippy sounds of that sheep now blocked (GET IT?) by my block (GET IT?), I heard the creepy, child-like voice of the puzzle-master coming through the wall:

"Well well, a new sheep has entered our midst."

"Can it and ask me a question cumwad! I'm tired of your shit!"

"Hmhmhmhm! Very well."

"THIS IS THE SECOND QUESTION: IF YOUR LOVER ASKED YOU TO TAKE IT UP THE ASS, WOULD YOU DO IT?"

NO. WHAT THE FUCK, NO.

Oh shit, I pulled the wrong cord.

"I see...you swing that way, huh..."

"No man, you don't understand! I just pulled the wrong--"

"Well, you'll have plenty of time to deny it as you climb the next stage. Good luck!"

BITCH! BITCH BITCH BITCH! I'LL KILL HIM!

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Several nights later...

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"Not like thiiiiis~!"

Another one fallen to the might of VINCENT BROOKS! My hair's gotten a little...red? And my skin's grey. And I seem to have found a blood-stained axe from god-knows-where. And WOW is there blood everywhere I look, but this "climbing" has actually become pretty fun! I even chased that scared little wuss all the way down from the top just as he was about to get to the Landing!

Even if it costs me a block from that dead merchant, I make sure to go to the other towers I see to fuck over the sheep that might be a problem later on down the road.

200 points. 300 points! 5000 POINTS! These dreams are awesome!

Ah, looks like the Landing's coming up. Let's see who survived...

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Hmmmm, just the sheep with glasses, the policeman, Mr. Elvis, and what appears to be an insane motherfucker over in the corner. That one with the glasses and vest gives out pretty good tips. If I threaten him while carelessly waving my axe around, he'll give me the stuff.

"Oh God, it's you, don't kill me! Why didn't I just leave when I had the chance!?"

"Spill the beans, blow-pop or I'll slice you open right here!"

"H-How about this technique?"

"ALLOW ME TO EXPLAIN THE MARCHING SPIDER. IF--"

"Nope! Already know that one!"

"Uhh...uhh...then how about this one?"

"ALLOW ME TO EXPLAIN THE "BRIDGE". IF--"

"Wait, listen...do you hear that?"

(The sheep just breaks down crying.)

"It's the sound of my patience running dry."

"Alright, alright, how about this?!"

"ALLOW ME TO EXPLAIN "INAZUMA"! WHEN YOU'RE CLIMBING A FLAT WALL WITH THREE STONES IN A ROW, USE THE PULLING OUT BLOCKS AND HANGING TECHNIQUES. IF YOU REPEAT THE SAME PATTERN, YOU CAN CLIMB IN A ZIG-ZAG WITHOUT COLLAPSING THE WALL."

"Good, good...See? You can do it if you try. Now shut it or I'll give you a REAL reason to cry."

I hadn't talked to the policeman yet. Everytime I've seen him after I publicly executed some random sheep, he'd get wide-eyed and waddle his way to the confessional before my interrogations could start. But it looks like I caught him when he was winded this time.

"Hey there, buddy. What's your story?"

I pulled up a pew and cornered him as he tried to scuttle away.

"Uh, w-well, I don't really know why I'm here...I showed up one night and I keep getting chased by my dead wife...it's terrifying and I just feel like I can't go on any longer..."

Oh-ho! Dead wife, huh?

"So surely, you've slept with COUNTLESS women to make the memory of this wife of yours disappear, right?"

"Well...actually, yes...I'm ashamed to say, but as long as there's anything that reminds me of my dead wife, I'll sleep with the girl..."

Ha, another bastard to add to the ranks.

"Hey, Elvis, looks like I found you a slimy friend! Why don't you two fight to the death to see who's the better man?"

As they made terrified eye contact and realized that I was dead serious (GET IT?), Todd (Elvis) started whimpering and dashed for the confessional. Damn, well it can always wait until the next--

"UHEHEHEHEHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHA!"

Dammit, the crazy one in the corner's acting up again. I love him and all, 'cause he's like a brother to me, but the fucker's got nothing between his ears.

"Hey man, shut up! I was just getting to the good part!"

"UHEHEHEE, TAKE ONE SHEEP AND TWO BLOCKS AND. YOU'VE. GOT. SHEEP JUICE! UHEHEHEE!"

Man, I can't kill a fellow genius, it'd be like killing a part of my soul...or whatever's left of it at least. But if I ever see this bastard on the stairs, I'm going to make sure he becomes a good acquaintance with my axe. Might as well move on though, there isn't much left to do on this level.

As I climb into the confessional, I'm met by dead silence. Maybe the little bitch wasn't too happy when I responded to his last question by peeing through the grating and shouting obscene death threats.

"Hey pal, you in there?"

"..."

"THIS IS THE TENTH QUESTION:--"

"Aw, come on buddy, I'd never ACTUALLY do that to your urethra, you know that! I might have gotten a bit carried away last time, but at least say something!"

"--IF YOU WERE A DUMBASS NAMED VINCENT BROOKS WHO ONLY ATE SHIT ALL DAY AND WAS DOOMED TO SUFFER THE MOST UNIMAGINABLE TORTURES OF HELL, WHICH WOULD YOU RATHER BE?"

Wow, guess he took those threats rather persona--wait, the answers on the ropes are the same...

"Hey, pal, I think you've messed up. The only option you've given me is "A FLAMING DICKLESS CROSSDRESSER WITH NO LIMBS WHO GETS RAPED EVERYDAY." That's a really uncool answer, bro, you got anything slightly less intense?"

"..."

"Eh...not like these answers matter, BUT I WILL KILL YOU NONETHELESS. JUST YOU SIT AND WAIT, YOU ASSHOLE, I'LL SHOVE A BLADED DILDO UP YOUR DICK SO FAST THAT YOUR EYES WILL BLEED CUM--"

As I rocketed away and my intimidating screams echoed meaninglessly inside of the confessional, I recognized my one true goal...

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"What do you mean you can't fulfill that wish, you old asshole!? I'll chop off your fingers if you don't do it!"

The Boss looked rather scared as he slowly began to realize that not only had I figured him out, but that I was also keen on tangling his entrails around the bar if he refused to accommodate my wishes.

"Uh...no, you don't understand, you can't just WISH for that man to die. Though he only asks questions in the confessional--"

"Hey, now that you've finished your line, here's a little Vincent trivia for you!"

"Wha--?"

"Do you know how many people Vincent has BRUTALLY MURDERED on his way up your fucking tower? SO MANY THAT HE'S LOST COUNT. Now, there is NO hope for my soul, so what's it matter if I add one more death to that list? Especially an old man's in what could be considered a slovenly, drunken rage. Isn't that funny? No? Who the hell do you think you are!? I'll make you drink my piss!"

"Please! Stop! I'll do it! I'll do whatever you want! Just don't hurt me, I'm old!"

"ALRIGHT, I DID IT!"

As I cheered and waved my arms around like an epileptic maniac, I realized that I was just in my boxers and everyone else in the bar was staring at me. Woops, guess this wasn't a dream.

As the policeman steadily approached me with a look of uncertainty in his eyes, he said, "Vincent, now you've helped me out with my problems in the past and you're a good guy, so if you come calmly, I'll help you out in any way I can. I need you to put down the knife."

Well, shit. Am I crazy? No, this is all a dream. Just gotta kill as many as I can!

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Later that evening, on the news...

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"Vincent Brooks was arrested today after threatening the local bartender of Stray Sheep and proceeding to attack an off-duty police officer who happened to be at the scene. Though he was restrained and brought to court, Brooks has been deemed criminally insane. The former Atlus employee has been degrading quickly according to fellow employees and his friends, speaking of block puzzles and sheep. In honor of his previous memory, Atlus has decide to make a video game based off of his experience, code-naming it Catherine. The game is set to be released this summer. Turning to weather..."