America has been on a health-food kick for several years now. People are desperately trying to find ways to consume their favorite foods without suffering any diverse consequences. No, rather than actually change what they eat, people demand the food industry pump our food full of aspartame, splenda, or even, oh jesus, potassium benzoate. The market is flooded with dozens of “diet” products that taste just awful, but people, in their insatiable quest to eat like fat-asses without actually looking like them, have finally been granted a glorious gift from the food gods. Yes people, we are all fortunate enough to be here on the precipice of a turning point in culinary history, witness to a paradigm shift in the way man can truly enjoy sugar-free colas. Gentlemen! Behold, Coca-Cola Zero!
 |
In no way at all brought to you by the fine people of Coca-Cola |
Introduced in 2004, this little product has almost entirely flown under the radar. Sure, some of you may have seen commercials, but have you actually tried it? If you have, did you love it? If you tried it and didn’t love it, then you have incredibly pitiable taste or have been misled and been fed some disgusting “diet” bastard cousin of this glorious nectar. Some of you may have a “friend” that says Coke Zero is the only soda he likes to drink, but has he ever actually told you to drink it? If he has, then why don’t you love it? It is because your friend is a liar, and is actually doing everything he can to sabotage the underdogs working their butts off to make public their invention. You all must wake up to the truth, and see for yourselves just how f*cking amazing this stuff is. Listen to me! You do not know what it is to live until you’ve enjoyed Coca-Cola Zero.
Seriously, this article brought to you exclusive of the fine folks at Coca-Cola. |
Oh, you lamentable fool, how I mourn for you. For you, who has gone so long without truly enjoying the heavenly flavors of this ambrosian amrita, must be shown the err of your ways. Enjoy Coca-Cola Zero with your friends at the beach! Enjoy Coca-Cola Zero on the patio while reading your favorite book! Enjoy it while driving on a hot summer day! Enjoy it with your favorite dinner, or use it to fuel your late-night gaming marathons! Coca-Cola Zero has everything a responsible adult wants from a high-quality cola, only with zero sugar, zero calories and rich, full flavor. Do yourself a favor and see just what it is that you’ve been depriving yourself of for so long. And, in the undesirable event that you do heed my advice and believe that you actually dislike this miracle of the modern age, then you drank it wrong or are simply beyond saving. In that case, I am truly sorry that I cannot help you, and the only advice I can offer at this point is to come back and keep reading everything we put up to make yourself feel better, maybe even while drinking regular Coke…you heathen…
No comments:
Post a Comment